Days come and go and most find me deep in thought, true. Most often, my mind is all abuzz with thoughts bent in so very many different directions. Wishing for, I don't know, something... anything. Life puzzles me. And all the more so, lately. Had quite a brilliantly awesome conversation with a friend here at work this morning... and am glad of it. Perhaps I've been a little too quiet most recently. It helped to just get some of what's on my chest off, yes... but that introspection? Now redoubled. And so, though my mood has been somewhat lifted since this past weekend, I find myself slipping back into melancholy again. Second-guessing things, I guess... as usual. It's just... well... I'm still so desperately seeking my way... a way. I pray that it make sense. I need it to. Struggling ahead, all the while trying to lead by example, one gets weary. And too oft it still seems that though both my words and deeds are indeed noticed, they continue to go... unheeded. There are so many things in my life that I want to change, need to change, but... I... I just don't know how. Trying to take the necessary steps seems next to nearly impossible. And getting those I love most to follow with me just looks more and more... improbable. To passionately care so much about everything? Even those things which others don't think matter much at all? Honestly? It hurts. Still, everything matters... everything. "Be the change you want to see in others?" Does that work? I mean, truthfully? I wonder. Yet, I continue to continue. But I feel so lonely. And I'm finding more and more that Life is its deepest at its most bittersweet. Indeed...
Namárië,
Lamar
