Evaporated...

Here I make Confession, such as it is... if any would listen. It is said that Confession is good for the soul. And indeed, I sincerely hope that it is. I find myself filled with a frailty that I cannot rightly explain, broken-spirited, so very tired of the Battle, weak and weary... depressed beyond consolation.

For what it's worth, I don't understand exactly why I feel the way I do. Chalk it up to Life in general, I guess. Dark night of the soul, dour-minded... call it what you will, but I feel that if I don't get some of this off of my chest in some form or another I'll most likely implode...

I sit here and I wonder. I wonder about so very much. My mom once told me that I was "too good-hearted and much too naive". Maybe she's right. And I can't begin to tell you how many folk have said that I was "overly-sensitive". I guess maybe they're all onto something that I've tried my damnedest to deny. I've tried to let things go, honestly... but it still hurts. Everything hurts. And I just feel so all alone. And tired. And smitten to feel this life so deeply...

Sometimes I just want to run away. But to where? Where could I possibly go that the demons wouldn't follow right along behind? O Infernal Shadows and Shades. I'd just carry them with me like all the words and the pains and the scars. Those still piercing arrows ablaze... ever burning heart, soul, and will.

But who will listen? More pointedly, who really and truly cares? Nothing that I say or do matters all that much regardless. And all it ever appears to lead to is more and more ill... ever-deepening wounds. When I do speak about such things, this bitter poison only seems to spread. And as I would not wish this Darkness visit upon another... and most certainly not because of me... my lot seems to be to soldier onwards alone, keeping so many things to myself. But living so... one-sidedly takes its toll, I promise. Why does it always have to be like this? But then again... what does it really matter anyway?

How should one keep on going when Life just... hurts so much. Honestly, there are days when I'd really just rather not be here. And lately those days seem to keep stretching out before me endlessly. Heartsick and abandoned, I just don't feel like trying all that much anymore...

More so than I could tell, the following song sums up fairly well almost exactly how I feel. Though, I only wish that I could carry on "indifferent to the loss"... for some reason, I just can't do that.

So I confess to taking everything to heart, to hurting, to being confused, to feeling misunderstood by those closest to me, to feeling alone and forgotten, to being empty, to being needy, to being too good-hearted, much too naive, and overly-sensitive...

And for so very much more that I haven't the heart to speak of...

Forgive me, I pray...

Namárië,
Lamar