Alone...

I wonder. Does anyone else really and truly experience the same type of loneliness? When surrounded by family and friends... loved ones, to be sure... why is it that I ofttimes feel so very, very alone? A deep-seated, abiding, and desperate loneliness. Perhaps it is that I don't quite feel at home within my own skin.  I'd wager that I never really have. Perhaps, like certain folk suggest, it's just that I think too much. Always asking questions of my questions. Searching for answers, for... meaning. In everything. Maybe all the years of abject rejection cloud my mind. Maybe all those hurtful things - blatantly deliberate or merely inferred - dig their claws deeper into every passing thought. Like anyone else, I'd just like to be heard, acknowledged... understood. But even when the dearest of friends say that they do, indeed, understand... I'm still left feeling so cold and very alone. I say that my soul hurts. It does. But when I try to explain, mostly I just end up feeling all the more marginalised. Small. Forgotten. And, ultimately... foolish. Peace and joy seem far removed and fleeting in these times. And so another Sunrise dawns and I find myself mostly teary-eyed at its promise. Should such bitter loneliness like this linger so? I truly wonder. I can say that it seems to fuel my melancholy... causing me to withdraw at times. At others, it boils over into heartbreaking dirges which no one will ever hear. Or occasionally finding its way into poetry and prose so powerfully poignant that I have no choice but to put it down onto paper... or type it out here in the virtual world's representation of such. But it never fully goes away. Temporary cessation, maybe... but it always comes back around. And sometimes... with a vengeance. Still, I battle on... winning the small skirmish on occasion. But the War? It is far from over... and I am but a weary soldier, trying to find his way. Help and Godspeed, I pray...


Namárië,
Lamar

Through A Glass, Darkly...

And so I pour my broken heart out to the floor,
again from off my sleeve...


Yet still I hope and pray for just a little more to pour...
a little more to bleed...


Then I bow my head and say a prayer
asking some guidance for the deal...


Peering up into the starlight ever wishing
dreams could be made... real.


Lost in my own thoughts again,
I feel so cold and so very alone...


Fly me far away from here and to a place
where I am truly... home.


But if I simply said I had the answers...
well, now... that would be a lie...


Hauntingly on 'the outside',
with tear-drops in my eyes... think I'll cry...


Looking through this window on my life...


Namárië,
Lamar