On the Subject of Human Frailty...

Fractions and fragments...

Of people are we...

Tears fill our eyes...

Broken hearts on our sleeves...

Thread-bare souls...

Inside these frames...

Searching for... something,

Outside of these games...

Seeking our ways,

Dreaming our dreams...

But nothing is ever...

Just quite as it seems...

Yet, wish upon wish...

We hold out our hope...

Ask strength for the moment...

The strength just to cope...

And still we're so fragile...

So broken with ease...

Reaching out through the pain...

For a hand, if you please...

Or perhaps to feel wanted,

To feel loved, not alone...

To finally know someone,

Not a place, as our home...

To finally be welcomed...

To just simply... be...

Who it is that we are...

Our unequivocal "me"...

But ere that day dawns...

We'll continue to die...

Ever saying we live,

Knowing we live but a lie...

And so we'll continue...

Through our days just the same...

These thorns ever-present...

And so always in... pain.

Namárië,

Lamar

Desperately Seeking...

Days come and go and most find me deep in thought, true. Most often, my mind is all abuzz with thoughts bent in so very many different directions. Wishing for, I don't know, something... anything. Life puzzles me. And all the more so, lately. Had quite a brilliantly awesome conversation with a friend here at work this morning... and am glad of it. Perhaps I've been a little too quiet most recently. It helped to just get some of what's on my chest off, yes... but that introspection? Now redoubled. And so, though my mood has been somewhat lifted since this past weekend, I find myself slipping back into melancholy again. Second-guessing things, I guess... as usual. It's just... well... I'm still so desperately seeking my way... a way. I pray that it make sense. I need it to. Struggling ahead, all the while trying to lead by example, one gets weary. And too oft it still seems that though both my words and deeds are indeed noticed, they continue to go... unheeded. There are so many things in my life that I want to change, need to change, but... I... I just don't know how. Trying to take the necessary steps seems next to nearly impossible. And getting those I love most to follow with me just looks more and more... improbable. To passionately care so much about everything? Even those things which others don't think matter much at all? Honestly? It hurts. Still, everything matters... everything. "Be the change you want to see in others?" Does that work? I mean, truthfully? I wonder. Yet, I continue to continue. But I feel so lonely. And I'm finding more and more that Life is its deepest at its most bittersweet. Indeed...

Namárië,
Lamar

Alone...

I wonder. Does anyone else really and truly experience the same type of loneliness? When surrounded by family and friends... loved ones, to be sure... why is it that I ofttimes feel so very, very alone? A deep-seated, abiding, and desperate loneliness. Perhaps it is that I don't quite feel at home within my own skin.  I'd wager that I never really have. Perhaps, like certain folk suggest, it's just that I think too much. Always asking questions of my questions. Searching for answers, for... meaning. In everything. Maybe all the years of abject rejection cloud my mind. Maybe all those hurtful things - blatantly deliberate or merely inferred - dig their claws deeper into every passing thought. Like anyone else, I'd just like to be heard, acknowledged... understood. But even when the dearest of friends say that they do, indeed, understand... I'm still left feeling so cold and very alone. I say that my soul hurts. It does. But when I try to explain, mostly I just end up feeling all the more marginalised. Small. Forgotten. And, ultimately... foolish. Peace and joy seem far removed and fleeting in these times. And so another Sunrise dawns and I find myself mostly teary-eyed at its promise. Should such bitter loneliness like this linger so? I truly wonder. I can say that it seems to fuel my melancholy... causing me to withdraw at times. At others, it boils over into heartbreaking dirges which no one will ever hear. Or occasionally finding its way into poetry and prose so powerfully poignant that I have no choice but to put it down onto paper... or type it out here in the virtual world's representation of such. But it never fully goes away. Temporary cessation, maybe... but it always comes back around. And sometimes... with a vengeance. Still, I battle on... winning the small skirmish on occasion. But the War? It is far from over... and I am but a weary soldier, trying to find his way. Help and Godspeed, I pray...


Namárië,
Lamar

Through A Glass, Darkly...

And so I pour my broken heart out to the floor,
again from off my sleeve...


Yet still I hope and pray for just a little more to pour...
a little more to bleed...


Then I bow my head and say a prayer
asking some guidance for the deal...


Peering up into the starlight ever wishing
dreams could be made... real.


Lost in my own thoughts again,
I feel so cold and so very alone...


Fly me far away from here and to a place
where I am truly... home.


But if I simply said I had the answers...
well, now... that would be a lie...


Hauntingly on 'the outside',
with tear-drops in my eyes... think I'll cry...


Looking through this window on my life...


Namárië,
Lamar